I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
