What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
