i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
