If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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