They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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