Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
