he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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