If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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