Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
