I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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