fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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