he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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