I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
