I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
