Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
