Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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