No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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