I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
