WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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