shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
