I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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