I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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