Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
