Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
