life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Is Oprah even human
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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