I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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