good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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