I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
