the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
