Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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