So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
