Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I have fence marks all over my body
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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