I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
