wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
