Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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