Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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