if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
