I have demons in me.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
