Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize