I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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