She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
