wrigley field is MILF paradise
just come out here and I will go home with you...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
