I cut my penus on the lid.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
