What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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