he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
