my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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