She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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