I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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