just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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