Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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