So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
