proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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