I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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