She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
