I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
