I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
