Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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