I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Randomize
